Dear Hosana

My mind tells me I have completely lost my mind writing to you. I have never seen you in real life. Still you feel like family. And my heart tells me to put these words together. Because it helps me heal. Heal from the loss over the possibility of ever seeing you with my own (ego) eyes. The hurt in my heart tells me that you are there now. That the only way you can live on and where I can meet you is in my heart.

And as with many previous loses I have experienced, this time again my heart asks me: what can I learn from this situation? What does what happened tell me about what I can do to prevent it from happening again. Being in the bush has taught me a lot about living according to the rules of nature. And it has helped me so much in letting go of rules that are suppose to keep me safe made by society, by other people, rules that I used to follow because that is how I always did it. My travels to South Africa in real life and online have taught me so much about living according to my own nature. About finding out what safety means to me, what freedom means to me and what my shape of happiness is. It has taught me what trauma’s I carry and how to transform them into my own personal superpower. And how much freedom I have gained by learning that I can fully trust my own instincts.

The statement from the Sabi Sands wildtuin says that all protocols in the instant that someone decided to pull the trigger were followed. Something that makes me wonder if things would have lead to another outcome if there would not have been a protocol. It does not change things. There is no blame. Discussing things does not bring you back. So it is useless. But it does leave me wonder. I feel for the one who had to make the decision. And in the end all that remains is that your death makes me want to make a difference in the world even more.

I have a thing with rules. There is so much that we do because others tell us to. Because others tell us or promise us that it is safe. And then it turns out not to be, it makes us unhappy, or someone else. Lots of people always ask on drives if it is safe to let big cats or elephants get so close to you in a car. And time and time again it makes me think the same thing: that it is potentially dangerous. That it makes your nerves tingle to let a thing like that happen to you. But it also awakenes our gut feeling, our instincts. Potential danger makes us feel. And it makes us curious. Because only by watching someone or something in a certain situation can we react upon it and learn from it.

Life is a dangerous thing. And our gutfeeling enables us to decide what is safe for us. And sometimes that is doing the thing that others, or your own mind, tell us not to do. We have to evolve if we want this earth to be a place of freedom and of abundance. We have to stop as ourselves as the dominant species. In the way that we are using up our planet we are well on the way to destroying our own home. Something that no other living being on this planet has ever done. Let earth be the dominant one, and let us be the one to follow our instincts to find our how we can save her and what she needs from us.

So, on this mothersday I feel the need to tell myself again; this earth has carried me for 48 years. Has kept me safe. Has fed me and has given me everything that I needed. Because of her I am still here. And I want to spend the rest of my returning that favor and enjoying that to the max. With you as my spirit guide on one shoulder and little dear Xongile on the other.

Safe travels dear brother.